Secrets and Lies

I spent a lot of time last night thinking about J. I wanted to text her, but seeing as it was 1 o'clock in the morning I thought better of it. It'll keep, I thought. I should probably sleep on it and see what I want to say, anyway.

I didn't sleep well, and my first thought upon waking was: "Text J". So I did, I asked if she'd be up to talking to me on the phone.

About 30 seconds later:

"No, and stop talking about me 2 [my friend] shes blabbing it 2 every1 and now its making problems 4 me at work" And then this, from her sister: "Why hav you been saying bout my shit bout my sisterr and lying to ppl eg [my friend]!!"

What the fuck?

I have NOT been spreading lies about J, or anyone she works with (this is what I'd been accused of, as it turns out) as well as making J out to be (and I quote) a "monster". Anyone who knows me knows that I have not said one bad word about J since we broke up, mostly because I am still in fucking love with her.

Go ahead, check my twitter from 24th May onwards, look at my facebook, ask anyone I've spoken to about my break up. I have not said ONE FUCKING THING against her. I miss her terribly, yes. She's broken my heart, yes. I feel like my life is in ruins, yes.

I think I managed to convince C (J's sister), that I had nothing to do with it. J however, seems determined to hate me, for some unknown reason. Maybe it makes it easier for her, maybe she can justify her actions if she thinks I'm a complete bitch.

Sorry J, but you know that deep down, that's not me.

I spoke to the friend in question, she knows the girl that J & C works with. She admitted she let slip J & I were no longer together (I wasn't aware it was a secret, but hey), she categorically denied calling J a "monster" and seemed utterly confused by what was going on.

I believe her, why wouldn't I? She might occasionally let things slip that she shouldn't, but I know, after 15 years of friendship, that she does have my best interests at heart. I also know she has nothing against J, because aside from the fact that she broke up with me, I have nothing against J.

So it's all a big fucking mess, I don't think J's interested in a friendship with me. That's her choice. I'm not okay with it, but hey. Maybe if she acts like a heartless bitch it'll be easier for me to let her go. And that, is the first bad thing I have said about J.