I've neglected writing here recently not because I've run out of things to say, but because I am working on becoming an emotionless shell, and reliving the happiest times of my life doesn't help with that.
J and I discussed the work gossip kerfuffle. She said she believed me but it doesn't matter really.
J's sister has bought a puppy. It hurt because it felt like Boadicea and I had been replaced, and there was no chance of us going back. Boadicea is an anti-social old codger when it comes to other dogs.
So I found J, fixed her and then my job was done. She didn't need me anymore. And anything good I bought to J and C they have kept, or replaced.
It's been 17 days and it's still so raw, my supply of drugs and alcohol has run dry, and now I have no means of escape.
I'm so tired but I can't sleep, and when I do I dream of her. When I'm awake I think of her. I swear there's some sort of radio conspiracy that is to play every love song in existence ever whenever I'm around.
This morning I woke up to the song "My Kind of Love" by Emeli Sande. 30 seconds after waking up, I was in tears.
I remember going shopping with my friend a few months ago, she's in a long term relationship herself, we were listening to "The One That Got Away", I turned to her and said (jokingly) the one thing I missed about being single was being able to relate to break up songs. She agreed. Looking back on it now I want to slap myself.
I kept thinking about J today, I remember at the end of New Years Eve, an hour or so into New Years Day, our mutual friend had just left and she put our song on. We danced around the kitchen and I was so happy and touched that I cried. It was such a perfect moment, the two of us rotating slowly, her smiling and Boadicea standing behind us, barking furiously because she hates PDA. Our little family. Not perfect by normal standards but perfect for me.
I miss that. I miss her.
It hurts to know I'll never have that again.
And I feel like I didn't only lose J when we broke up, I lost myself too. Because she was me, without her I'm only half a person.
J and I discussed the work gossip kerfuffle. She said she believed me but it doesn't matter really.
J's sister has bought a puppy. It hurt because it felt like Boadicea and I had been replaced, and there was no chance of us going back. Boadicea is an anti-social old codger when it comes to other dogs.
So I found J, fixed her and then my job was done. She didn't need me anymore. And anything good I bought to J and C they have kept, or replaced.
It's been 17 days and it's still so raw, my supply of drugs and alcohol has run dry, and now I have no means of escape.
I'm so tired but I can't sleep, and when I do I dream of her. When I'm awake I think of her. I swear there's some sort of radio conspiracy that is to play every love song in existence ever whenever I'm around.
This morning I woke up to the song "My Kind of Love" by Emeli Sande. 30 seconds after waking up, I was in tears.
I remember going shopping with my friend a few months ago, she's in a long term relationship herself, we were listening to "The One That Got Away", I turned to her and said (jokingly) the one thing I missed about being single was being able to relate to break up songs. She agreed. Looking back on it now I want to slap myself.
I kept thinking about J today, I remember at the end of New Years Eve, an hour or so into New Years Day, our mutual friend had just left and she put our song on. We danced around the kitchen and I was so happy and touched that I cried. It was such a perfect moment, the two of us rotating slowly, her smiling and Boadicea standing behind us, barking furiously because she hates PDA. Our little family. Not perfect by normal standards but perfect for me.
I miss that. I miss her.
It hurts to know I'll never have that again.
And I feel like I didn't only lose J when we broke up, I lost myself too. Because she was me, without her I'm only half a person.
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