Leaving Surrey.

For two days I didn't do much, J was working and C was her usual social butterfly self. I had plenty of calls, texts, tweets and facebook notifications from friends checking up on me. I also had more visitors in those two days than I'd had in the past two years. People cared, they were sorry, they couldn't believe it either. I drank a lot, and ate nothing.
"Haven't eaten or slept today, but quite enjoying the feeling of numbness that comes with extreme fatigue."
On the Saturday, I think the situation sunk in just enough for me to realise that I needed to do... Something. I called the only family I have left. She agreed to take me in, I asked her to come Sunday as I had a few things to work out. I think I was just hoping J would change her mind.

Saturday night, J got home late, she told me she'd fallen asleep on the train. I worried she was working too hard. She said she was going to bed, I asked if I could stay with her. She told me it would make things worse.
"I just want one more night with you before I have to be angry with you." She relented, pity probably. She told me;
"Nothing's going to be different in the morning." I told her I knew. We went to bed. At some point in the night I woke up laying on my back, J's head on my shoulder, her arm over me and her hand in mine. She whimpered in her sleep and jumped. "Shh, it's okay." I whispered. J jerked awake and pulled away, rolling onto her side so her back was to me. Just for a second, I thought she'd changed her mind.

J's sister got in late that night, she'd been to a barbecue. I guess she noticed I wasn't in the spare room, she knocked on J's door, called my name, I ignored it. She opened the door and turned on the light, J and I pretended to be asleep. I don't know what she thought of the scene. It must've looked strange.

The next morning J got up at 6 for work. We said goodbye. She was still adamant we could be friends in the future. She was wrong. I laid in bed until I heard the front door slam. I watched her cross the garden, pause at the gate and look back and up at me. And that was the last time I saw her.

A few hours later my friend turned up to help me pack, we were nowhere near ready when my lift arrived. I remember shoving binbags full of clothes into the boot, the passenger seat, any space I could find. I had a fish tank with fish inside a cooler bag and a very confused dog. I said goodbye to my friend, he said he'd see me soon. I got my last look at the house as the car pulled out into the road. It was a poignant moment and I felt my chest ache as the house disappeared out of sight and we turned.

J text me saying; "Did it go well?" I ignored it, taking to twitter instead:

"A new start. Don't know that I'm ready for it, but here we go."